Parenting is a constant balancing act. How do you balance their needs with your needs with the world's needs? How do you balance a house, sports, the job, playtime, worktime and all other time? How do you balance your role as their parent with your role as his spouse? How do you balance your desire to give them the world with the need to teach them that you don't always get what you want and sometimes you have to learn to live with disappointment? Everyday since that day in March seven years ago I wake up in the morning and start my balancing act.

When I was a child there were so many things I wanted. Some I got. Some I didn't. I always remember both of my parents saying, "You may not always have what you want, but you will always have what you need." That was usually followed up with "If there is something you want bad enough you may have to just work for it yourself." Infuriating to a kid who just wants Mom and Dad to buy them the coolest new pair of jeans, but an invaluable lesson to the adult who learned the value of hard work and earning your way.

I think anyone could look at my brother, my sister or me and know that our parents taught us the value of working hard and making sacrifices to achieve the things that really matter. When we graduated high school there was no giant savings account waiting to help us find our way in the world whether that be college or a new house of our own or whatever road we found ourselves following. There was a kiss, a hug, and a new set of luggage. Wise folks those parents of mine.

I knew if college is what I wanted I had to work hard during high school. I had to get the scholarships that would open the doors. Then when I got to college I had to work three jobs to stay there. (I know you are waiting now for the part about walking uphill both ways in a snowstorm. Well, I gottcha here. If you ever lived on Daisy Hill at KU you know you actually do have to walk uphill both ways to get to class!) In spite of that, I learned to value my education. I learned to choose wisely and not be afraid to work hard. I learned what it meant to stand on a hill on a sunny day in May wearing a cap and gown looking down over a stadium filled with people and know that I earned my right to stand there.

I thought that lesson was hard to learn back then. Now I have the task of teaching those values to my children. I have to balance my desire to give them the world with my desire for them to sometimes earn it themselves or even sometimes be disappointed.

I don't know if we are doing it right. I don't even know if we are really doing it well. I just know that Jamy and I are doing our best. Together we work hard at this parenting job of ours. Some days we give too much and some days we don't give enough. Each day we face the joys and the challenges of that day with determination to balance it all in a way that in the end leads to our children learning the value of honesty, hard work, family, and life. I guess we won't truly know how we did until we watch our children trying out this balancing act for themselves as they raise their own children. Maybe as we watch what values they try to pass onto their own kids we will finally know how well we did.

Love, Logic and Law Enforcement

Abby and Skylar kept running crazy around the house tonight. I kept getting after them, but after a few minutes they would start again. I came out of the kitchen to get after them again when there was a knock at the door. Both girls, of course, ran like crazy to see who was at the door screaming the whole way. It was a policeman. Both of them stopped dead in their tracks and their eyes got huge. I stepped out to talk to him. He only wanted to know who owned the lot behind us, but when I came in I calmly said, "See the police know when you don't listen to Mommy!" Fixed that problem. Neither one ran again. Do you think I can get our local police to stop over occasionally? Love and Logic and Law Enforcement, I may be onto something here.

Must be doing something right with the girls also...

Abby just told me tonight that she has decided she is going to stop blinking. Of course my response was a very intelligent, "Huh?" She then explained that she was going to stop blinking so that "they" would stop cutting down the rain forest. Again, a very intelligent, "Huh?" from me as I tried to figure out what the heck she was talking about.


It turns out that there was an assembly at school the other day focusing on the rainforest. At some point in the presentation, the speaker told the kids that the rainforest was disappearing at a certain rate in the time it took the kids to blink their eyes. Abby got it in her head that if she just quit blinking her eyes the rain forest would quit disappearing. She then told me that she hoped "they" would realize how important the rainforest is and stop tearing it down.

It took me a little bit to figure out a way to explain to her that it was safe to keep blinking and that she was not solely responsible for the fall of the rainforests.

Isn't it funny how literally their little minds really work?

Raising that boy up right!

I have a great amount of respect for teachers. Teachers are probably one of the most influential groups of people in the world. Think about your own life and the people who have affected how you think about the world. I bet at least one of the people you are thinking of is a teacher. Teachers can inspire us to do better, be better, grow, question, and appreciate the history of who we are and where we came from. Unfortunately, there are teachers who negatively impact our lives. My hope is that you all have more positive experiences with teachers than negative.

From my own experiences in the classroom and my observations of the world, it seems that many people have begun to lose that respect for teachers. I remember growing up if we got in trouble at school we were going to be in five times as much trouble at home. In the classroom I encounter all sorts of students. The most disturbing are the students who don't care and show very little respect for the teacher. It has always been important to me that my kids treat their teachers with respect. How do you teach them to do that though?

Well, we must be doing something right. Last night as we were filling out Valentine's cards for Weston's preschool party he carefully choose the one he wanted to give to his teacher. Here is the conversation:

W: It has to be special, Mom, 'cuz Mrs. Robert is soooo special.

Me: Well, I am glad you feel that way kiddo. What do you think makes her special?

W: Well, she used to be God. Then she got tired of not being at my school so she decided to be Mrs. Robert. I think if you used to be God then you must be special.

Me(trying not to laugh): What makes you think she used to be God.

W: She knows everything and she is so nice and she cares what I am doing. Isn't that how God is? Mom, did all teachers used to be God?

Me: Well, honey I don't think anyone but God used to be God. God made your teachers though so that makes them pretty special don't you think?

W: Oh, so Mrs. Robert is an angel instead!


That's right, Little Man, good teachers are angels. So to the "angels" who pose as teachers, thank you! The kids really do notice.

A life that matters

In honor of Brent Rohe.



Last night I lay in bed all curled up listening to my favorite sound. I listened to it for over an hour. No other noises in the house. The kids were all sleeping. Even the cat was quiet. Just me laying there with my head on Jamy's chest listening to the sound of his heart beating.

As far back as I can remember, my favorite place to be is next to him with my head on his chest just listening to his heart beating. Maybe it is because in our family we have learned the hard way that time is precious. Tomorrow can bring changes that will alter your life forever. I have no guarantee as to how many more nights I will have to lay there listening to that beautiful sound.

That doesn't mean you walk around scared of the next day or worrying about what it will bring. In fact, it means just the opposite. It means that you live every day making sure that you grab as much out of it as you can. You take every opportunity you have to tell the people that you love that you love them. You make as many memories as you can in the time you have been given.

The materials things you have don't matter. The materials things you don't have don't matter. What matters is that at the end of your time you can look back and say that you lived a life that mattered.

What is living a life that matters? I believe it is living the kind of life that can be an example to others. Are you gracious in times when you may not want to be gracious? Do you love with everything you are? Do you give of yourself even when the person you are giving to doesn't always notice or appreciate the gesture? Are you honest? Do you make a difference in the lives of the people who meet you? Do you take the time to really know someone? Do you take the opportunities life presents to you? Do you make your own opportunities when life isn't presenting any? I think if you do those things you are living a life that matters. If at the end of each day, you can sit back comfortable in the fact that you did your best that day at whatever you are doing than it will matter.

When I drop my kids off at school everyday I tell them, "Have your best day ever." If every day is your best day ever than at the end of your days you can have little or no regrets. Of course, there will be bad days along the way. Of course, some days you just don't have it in you. Do those days outweigh the days when you are giving it your best? If they do, then maybe it is time for a little perspective and priority shift.

I have tried to live my life this way since I was thirteen years old. When I was thirteen an event happened that changed my life forever. It altered who I became and how I choose to live my life. Right before Christmas that year my favorite uncle died. He was way to young to die. The day that he died I asked my mom if we could call him and invite him home for Christmas. She said we could when we got home. I was a teenager and I suppose busy with teenage girl stuff. Anyway, I didn't make that phone call. Later that night, we got the call that he was gone. For many years, I thought it was my fault. If I had called he would have come home and he wouldn't have died. (See the way a teenage mind works?) As a result, I learned very early on that you shouldn't put off telling people that you love them or doing things that make a difference. I know that my not calling is not the reason he died. Don't get worried here that I am still all hung up and blaming myself. Remember, that was a teenage mind at work. I am just explaining the way in which I learned what I believe to be one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned.

Over the years there are have been other deaths in our family. Some were tragic. Some were just the natural end to a long, well-lived life. Each time I have come to realize how important it is to cherish those you care about. Whether they are family, friend, coworkers or whatever it is important that you never take them for granted.

Last week we had another hard reminder of this lesson. Jamy's cousin was killed in a car accident. Brent is only a year older than us. He is married. His daughter is a week older than Abby. Way, way to young to have to grow up without a daddy. His wife is way to young to be a widow. There is no reason for an accident like his. His death is horribly tragic and even me in my best Pollyanna moments has a hard time finding any good in the situation. Why does a family lose a father, husband, son, cousin, nephew at the young age of 38? How do you make any sense of something like that? I don't think you do.

Before Brent's funeral, I thought a lot about how you find any comfort at all in the situation. Standing at his funeral I figured it out. Now granted this is a small comfort right now. It doesn't explain the situation or make it feel any better right now in this moment where his mother, wife, child and sisters are hurting so badly. I wonder if in time it will bring them some comfort though.

Here is what I came up with. Brent only lived 38 years, but he lived a life that mattered. He was an hard-working, gentle soul who spent his life farming his farm and his mother's farm. He provided for his family. He laughed a gentle laugh with a goofy grin on his face. You couldn't find a place to sit at his funeral. The church was so packed extra seats had to be brought in to accommodate all those who came to pay their last respects. At his respect calls, friends and family were able to smile and laugh through the tears as we talked about him and his life. The line of cars from the church to the cemetery was miles long as we all followed Brent to his final resting place. Every one of us was there because Brent in some way mattered to us. Not bad for a Kansas farmer!

We have no guarantee whether we will live 8 years, 38 years, or 108 years. In the end, maybe the number of years isn't the most important thing. If you live 108 years but never make a difference is that a lifetime that was well spent? Of course, his friends and family would rather have 100 more years with him. I know this is a small comfort, but I think that looking around the church and seeing how many lives he touched helped me realize yet again how important each day is.

That night as I lay there listening to the sound of Jamy's heart beating and feeling him warm and safe against me I remembered how lucky I am. How easily it could have been him instead of his cousin. How blessed I am to have what I have.

Whenever it is my time, whether that be when I am old or still young, if at my funeral someone can stand and say, "She lived a life that mattered", I think that will be the best compliment I can get.

Brent, you will be missed. I don't know how the people who loved you most pick up their lives and move forward. I do know though that given time and love from those who love them they can find the way. Their lives are better because you were a part of them.

I, for one, will remember you and the lesson you helped me see again about how important it is to live every day and love with everything you have. I will do my best to teach that lesson to my children. I hope they learn that material things aren't important. I hope they learn that most of the things in life that we waste our time worrying about really don't matter. I hope when they start to stress about something they stop themselves and ask, "If I die tomorrow is this really that big of a deal?" I hope they come to know that most of the time the answer is that no it isn't. I hope they learn to live a life that matters.